Below is some our tips and advice for families dealing with separation.
Ten Tips for putting you children first during Separation
Ten tips for bring a Parent
Ten tips for working out Disagreements
Ten tips to improve communication
Ten tips for creating change
Ten tips for getting through tough times
Ten tips for living with stress and Anxiety
Ten tips to help deal with your Anger
Ten Tips for Putting Your Children First during Separation
- Place children at the top of your list in action and in talk. Children are mainly concerned about relationships, this is their focus. At such a difficult time of family separation children need to feel safe and comfortable with their parents and not have exposure to conflict.
- Keep letting your children know you care and that you are working on the best outcome for them.
- Listen to what your children have to say and let them know that they are still a very important part of your life.
- Separating is a difficult time however by staying focused on children’s needs contact arrangements can be made in their best interest.
- Try and make the time with your children enjoyable and as connected as possible during difficult times.
- Do small things with your children, the things you have enjoyed in the past or by doing new activities together.
- Talk, share, listen and have fun together.
- When talking, sharing and listening make this a positive experience, children learn what they hear, see and feel. Avoid criticising the other parent in any way; remember this is their parent too.
- Look after yourself, adopt a self care philosophy and this in turn means you are looking after your children.
- Choose what and how we say things that need to be said regarding the other parent in a way that does not cause distress to your children, or make them feel uncomfortable.
Ten Tips for Being a Parent
- Good relationships with our children require work. Being able to talk, laugh and have fun together is rewarding for all and builds relationships. Tough times really count on how you and your children feel about each other.
- Children need rules and boundaries; these will be tested at times, and continue to change as children get older.
- Teach your children independence, including managing money, problem solving and making their own choices.
- Include children in age appropriate family decisions. Children need to be encouraged to show they care for other family members and to help with household chores.
- Encourage positive things with praise; negativity and criticism do not help matters.
- Be a role model to your children, show them good behaviour and good manners. Display fairness and honesty.
- Listen to your children even though we have busy lives; make the time to do things together.
- Be there for your children when things go wrong, provide information to help them understand. Care for and about them.
- When there is two of you, parent and child, make it a partnership, support each other and make decisions together.
- Remember parenting is about learning and growing, as is for children. Accept the challenges, and embrace the changes together.
Ten Tips for Working out Disagreements
- Its worth having a go at working out shared decisions, despite the challenges, to strive for good outcomes. To do this is displaying respect for the situation and all involved.
- Be calm when talking, identify the problem, do not go in with an ‘I need to win attitude’, it is best to work on a solution that is comfortable for you both.
- Come up with as many possible answers as you can (don’t worry if you think they are a bit ridiculous) get rid of the one’s that you both dislike and look for the one’s that work for both of you.
- Plan a way to put in place your decision, such as ‘who does what’ and/or ‘who does when’ and do this. Go back and start again if this does not work.
- If the disagreement keeps going, there are ways to stop the situation getting worse.
- NO name calling, making accusations, ceasing to communicate altogether, making the other person feel stupid or worthless……and so on.
- STAY with the issue at hand. Do not become angry and say things to hurt the other party, such as putting down family or friends. If the other party does this do not do this back. Work on the issue causing the disagreement.
- We all have different points of view and it is important to know and respect this. We are often not agreed with, and trying to force an opinion often leads to failure.
- Controlling, scheming and making threats may lead to an outcome going your way, but it may also lead to the other party feeling resentful toward you.
- Stopping is very important when an agreement is not going to be reached or when some solution has been made.
Ten Tips to Improve Communication
- Communication is about talking, body language and importantly, listening.
- Others cannot read our minds, be clear and direct when discussing an important topic.
- Others tire of negative talk; reveal positive feelings through communication.
- Use ‘I’ message such as ‘I feel sad or hurt etc’ to avoid hurtful remarks. Be mindful of things you say.
- Ensure you are being heard when something is really important to you.
- When we truly listen, we are doing more than hearing, we are showing respect and that we really care and attach importance to what they are saying.
- Checking out what another person is saying is important along with using appropriate body language, replying at appropriate times and displaying an understanding and an interest.
- We don’t always need to agree; we don’t always need to interrupt. Simply listen.
- Information, learning other ways of taking action, and learning how others think happen when we become good at listening. This in turns improves our relationships with others including our children.
- Listening is more than ability; listening needs to show an interest and be genuine.
Ten Tips for Creating Change
- Difficult times can be forced upon us, accepting this is challenging, as is all change.
- Change means altering our lives, moving away from what we know and feel comfortable and familiar with. We need to accept that there is an adjustment time in the way that we think and feel.
- Feel good and applaud yourself for the big life changes you have made such as professional development, buying a home, having children, finding a job.
- Change is about how it is now, not how it once was, making changes is to move forward onto better things.
- Change can follow on from bad times, when we can no longer stand things as they are, and we do things to change it.
- Change is not easy; it takes time to be ready. It’s normal to change your mind a lot and want to remain the same.
- Change is often worth it in the long term; however it takes time with the likelihood of hiccups along the way.
- Be aware of your strengths when making choices regarding lifestyle changes. We generally are more skilled then we think.
- Learning is life long experience; knowledge comes from this. It is exciting to explore educational opportunities to further enhance our abilities.
- Opportunity can come from change. Use what you have to give and make a start. Whilst it is a challenge to embrace change, reward yourself that you made the most of a difficult time.
Ten Tips for Getting Through Tough Times
- Four useful steps: Accept what has happened. Experience the feelings of loss. Adjust the way you live to get used to the loss. Redirect your energy doing other things.
- The steps fluctuate hence it is important to reflect on progresses made along the way.
- Normal feelings of anger, grief and turmoil appear as loss is a hard reality to face.
- Seek help if the feelings begin to overwhelm you.
- Using substances such as alcohol will make matters worse in terms of depression, emotions and finances.
- Be kind to you, acknowledge the stress and the energy stress absorbs. Delay, if possible, making big decisions.
- Do daily activities in a way that you can manage; this will give a sense of achievement.
- Focus on the positive rewards rather than the negative aspects of the altered conditions in your life.
- Reflect on your own experience and know that others have experienced the same, and have managed to get on with things and move forward in their lives.
- Tough times happen to everyone with differing affects. It is important to hold on and give it your best for a better future for all involved.
Ten Tips for Living with Stress & Anxiety
- Regular exercise, enough sleep, healthy diet and minimal reliance upon drugs and alcohol are important.
- Stay connected to people important to you such as friends and family. Talking will help. Others are likely to have been in the same situation and will understand your experience.
- Mediation, yoga, listening to music, reading, walking will distract from problems and help with relaxation.
- Be your own best friend, deal with what you can and let go of the things you cannot change.
- Be responsible for what you can. Do not take on board other people’s responsibilities and issues.
- Avoid being drawn into other people’s negativity including negative emotions.
- Being aware that historic and current situations can cause stress and anxiety, which can make things that are usually manageable in the now harder to deal with.
- Don’t try to cope alone, seek out and take support from friends, family and other professionals including your GP.
- Hard times and coping with stress and anxiety change the rules. Old ways of thinking such as not needing help from anyone and always being able to support the family need to be challenged.
- Should you notice behaviour changes in a loved one or friend, such as weight loss (not eating), using excessive alcohol, not sleeping then seek help through for example, your local GP, Lifeline, Kids Help Line and Beyond Blue Foundation.
Ten Tips to Help Deal with Your Anger
- Feeling angry is normal; recognise that it is frequently a secondary emotion based on for example, after feeling hurt, rejected, disappointed, frustrated and misunderstood.
- It is not ok to act out our anger as it damages relationships.
- How we behave is our choice and our own responsibility and is not the fault of others.
- It is possible, though hard, not to react to other people’s anger; try to observe the behaviour and not become a part of the behaviour that is, step back.
- Feeling angry tells us that things are not as we would like, that something is not right for us.
- Think about the things which might be upsetting you, hence what you feel angry about, and how you might change those things.
- Do not dwell on the things that you cannot change; it is likely to be difficult however think about things that help make you have happier feelings.
- Wait until you are calm to sort things out. Leave any situation when you are beginning to feel angry and while you are still in control.
- A display of anger may feel good in the moment but it will not change the situation and it will return at a later time.
- Be clear and firm when communicating; exercise regularly as it is a great way to release anger.
